This is not my normal content, I am aware of that but I feel
this is a topic I want to address. Especially when I believe my story can help
people before it spirals how it did with me. That topic is how your workplace
can affect you but should not define who you are.
I started a job in January at a hotel. I previously worked
for another hotel six months prior but wasn’t happy and found a job at a hotel
closer to home. It started off so well. I was getting along with everyone and I
was learning so much. The guests were the highlight of the job. We had a few
groups that stayed for weeks so you got to know them really well. However,
there are rules, especially with this company. You are not allowed to socialise
with guests outside of work, you cannot have them on facebook or their number
or anything like that. But you do get close to people and get to know them. I
had a guest on snapchat, we would barely chat though, work found out and I
think I should have been fired but at that point so much was going on with a
few of us that the slate got wiped clean.
I had a run ins with a couple of people I worked with. It’s
funny because both of them did the same thing which was try to be in charge and
try to be above me when we did the exact same job for the exact same money.
However, with the first person I ignored it and I was walked all over and the
second time I did the opposite, I was firm and would say something to the
management. However, having that done twice to me made me very apprehensive whenever
someone new started. It knocked my confidence so much as to who I was as a
person. Also, it was a small hotel and everyone gossiped which I admit I was
sometimes apart of. But you couldn’t really trust anyone there and when you
spend 4/5 days a week with people, different people each shift, you want to be
able to trust them. In the end I had two people I fully trusted and everyone
else I just tolerated and worked with. I would joke with them and tell them
general things but I wouldn’t go out my way to be overly friendly with them.
After a while that did have an affect on me too. I don’t have a lot of people I
talk to regularly and the ones I do I rarely get to see because of distance so since
I started shutting myself off from people at work I began to feel isolated.
Work always seemed to follow me home. Whether it was gossip
or a situation I had found myself in with a guest that day. When you know you
do all you can at work and you still get people yelling at you or issues you
can’t solve, you feel bad. I always think about other people and put myself in
their shoes so I always tried to be the happiest, friendliest, professional version
of myself. I just felt the hotel got worse and it made me not want to go
because everything I did was in vain. It was so rare you would get praise as
well so I’d have all these issues or whatever and it kept building.
The hotel was short staffed as well so everyone worked super
hard and if someone was ill it would be a mission to cover. I once did over a
15 hour shift and I got maximum 35 minute break and that wasn’t at the same
time or with food involved. The issue never seemed to get solved and I was not
the only one doing extra hours. Two other people worked their bums off more
than me and they did more than me for the same money. If a shift needed
covering it would more than likely be one of us three because other people were
stubborn and wouldn’t want to do it. It was not fair. Near the end of my time
there I was phoning around trying to get cover and I rung and messaged someone
and both got ignored but when the assistant manager tried off her mobile she
got an answer. It infuriated me that someone could ignore a phone call and a
desperate message from a colleague but answer assistant manager who wasn’t even
at work. It was just not right and I was fed up.
Along with all of this it was shift work and it was never
the same and it’s impossible to have a routine. I know for some people that is
fine but for me it meant I wasn’t able to look after myself properly. 75% of
nights are so busy you never get a chance to sit down and eat something and you’d
never have your break. So sometimes I would go days and barely eat something
and other days when all I want to do is eat. I ended up getting IBS and it is
embarrassing and that was a big sign for me that something needs to change.
Sleep really took a hit as well, you might have a week of working until at
11:15 at night and then two days later having to be at work for 6:45am and I
need sleep.
Everything just got to me physically and mentally. I was not
happy and I was just making myself unwell.
I looked for jobs for a good two to
three months before I got my current job. It felt like forever because I
stopped wanting to go into work and I felt like shit everytime I went. I knew I
had to stay until I had a new job but it was taking so long I felt so trapped
and alone. I thought I was going to be stuck there forever and there was no way
out. I was so down every day and I had some of the worst thoughts I have ever had.
I was the worst version of myself I ever have been and I hate that person and
the things I thought. It got to the point where I had a breakdown and I was
unable to work that day because I could not string a sentence together without
crying. I had reached breaking point and it was either I had help or something
I don’t want to think about.
A couple of days later I spoke to my doctor and he signed me
off from work for two weeks. I had a job interview the week before that and I
was waiting to hear back. I had worked at this place previously and I felt it
had gone well but I was not going to pin my hopes on that one job because if I didn’t
get that, all self-belief would have gone out the window. I started to panic thinking
‘what if I don’t get this job? I cannot go back to that place’ I had no faith
or hopes, I was about ready to give up and my luck changed. I got that job and
it means I am now able to look after myself and have a routine for eating and
sleeping because it is set times.
It was a weight off my shoulders when I was signed off sick
but getting a new job that was going to have such a positive impact on me, I
never felt so relieved in my life. My life was going to change in so many ways
but more importantly I was going to be able to work on my mental health.
That hotel and the people there are behind me now, except
for one or two, one of them is one of my best friends in the whole world. She
was there with me throughout it as well as four other people. Two who I have
been BTCC with and the other two I have met on twitter through motorsport. I am
so lucky and grateful I had them with me through it and I let them in. I hope
one day I can repay them with that same support and care.
That hotel changed me, it destroyed me as a person and I had
to break free. It made me into a completely new person and a workplace should
never ever do that. Your work should not break you. The point I want to make is
to realise the signs before you have a breakdown and to not sacrifice your health
in any way, shape or form. You should be able to go to work and if you can,
leave it there. I know with some jobs it’s not always possible. But please,
If
you are not happy and feel yourself changing, get out of there. Before it is
too late.
